Fudge
by blendernized
Summary: Remus remembers a conversation he had with James during sixth year.  She is exactly like...fudge, said James.  The parallel between Lily and Tonks is evident.


_Inspired by an analogy my friend made when I was ranting to her about boy problems. I don't know what I would do without her._

_Takes place during HBP._

_Disclaimer: I am not JKR and I don't own any of it._

_Summary: Remus remembers a conversation he had with James during 6__th__ year. "She is exactly like…fudge," said James. The parallel between Lily and Tonks is evident._

* * *

**Fudge**

Remus Lupin walked wearily into the tiny bedroom of his flat, kicking off his shoes as he went. He was returning home from an Order meeting and he was in a decidedly miserable mood.

She had been there, of course. She was a member of the Order, after all; it was expected that she would be there. Her hair had been an ordinary light brown color, her face devoid of its usual cheerfulness.

_Not so usual, these days_, Remus thought as he fell face-first onto his bed.

He hadn't seen her act herself since before-

No. He wouldn't think about that. It was too painful to think about that conversation. He had pushed her away; he had ruined both their hopes. He had done what he had to do.

It was indescribable, what he felt for her. But he couldn't, he _mustn't _act on his feelings. He didn't deserve her. She was too good for him. He was too old, too dangerous, too-

Oh but it _destroyed_ him to see her like this! Like she didn't think life was worth living anymore! Like she had resigned herself to her fate of…of…_dying_ in this war, of not having the one man she cared for more than any other.

And Remus knew Sirius was a part of it, he _did_ know that, because Tonks cared for her cousin Sirius, and now he was gone, but instinctively he also knew that wasn't what had taken the shine from her eyes. That wasn't why she was no longer boisterous and happy and so endearingly clumsy.

Remus shut his eyes and sighed dramatically into his comforter before rolling over to stare unseeingly at the ceiling. To know that he could put an end to Tonks' suffering was almost unbearable. Whenever he saw her he had to restrain himself from embracing her and holding her so tightly in his arms and never, ever letting go…

But he couldn't. He didn't know how to describe it, this need he had for her, because it was complicated, and yet-

And yet it was so simple.

He smiled wryly at the ceiling. James had said it best. James had been in a similar predicament, hadn't he? Well, it was similar enough. He thought back to that conversation that had taken place so many years ago with one of his dearest friends. James. Prongs.

* * *

Seventeen year old Remus was sitting on his bed in the Sixth Year dormitory of Gryffindor Tower. He was trying to finish a difficult essay set by Professor Slughorn on Golpalott's Fourth Law, and he found the silence of the dormitory much more conducive to work than the crowded Common Room. 

Suddenly James Potter stalked into the room, looking upset. He threw his schoolbag on his bed, which was next to Remus', and sat down on the bed, facing Remus. "Why is Evans so bloody difficult?" he asked Remus.

Remus carefully folded his book over his essay so as not to lose his page. He was used to these conversations with James. "Another rejection, Prongs?" he asked.

"Of course!" James said scathingly. "Y'know, it's never, 'No thank you James, I have plans,' or 'While that sounds delightful, James, I'm going to have to decline.' Nooo! Would you like to know what she said this time, Moony?"

Remus remained silent. It was a rhetorical question, after all.

"She goes, 'Potter, I am surprised you have not caught on by now. I would rather shave my head before being trampled by hippogriffs on the rampage, than suffer through one date with your insufferable self.' Of course, I asked her what being bald had to do with being trampled, but she said," here James raised his voice to a feminine falsetto, "'_That's not the point, Potter, now get away from me!"_

"Wow. I give her points for originality," said Remus.

James rolled his eyes. "I just don't get it," he said, sliding down the side of the bed to sit on the floor. He rested his arms on his knees.

"Well…you could…stop asking her out," Remus suggested.

James looked at him blankly.

"I mean, I highly doubt she's going to suddenly have a change of heart one day," Remus continued. "I'm just saying…why keep putting yourself through the rejection?"

"Well, because…because she's…she's just _the girl_, you know?" James said. "And as much as it, you know, hurts my manly ego when she turns me down repeatedly…I just have this feeling it would hurt worse if I didn't do anything about…how I feel about her."

"I guess I understand. Sort of."

"Yeah. She's exactly like…fudge," James said. He appeared to have had an epiphany. "Yeah! Like, she's got all these calories, right? But I'm on a diet."

"You're not on a diet," Remus said, confused.

"I mean hypothetically. She's this unhealthy fudge and I'm on a diet and I can't have her. But I want her _so_ bad because she's so tempting-"

Remus snorted. James glared at him.

"She is! And she's also on a really high shelf where I can't reach, so I'm not supposed to have her and I also can't reach her but I can't help myself."

"You could summon her if she was on a high shelf."

"That's not the point!"

"Sorry. I'm paying attention, really, I am. Lily is the fudge of your life."

"Exactly." James sighed. "You'll know what I mean one day, Moony. You and Padfoot and Wormtail. I just…found my girl early."

"Maybe, Prongs," Remus said. "Maybe."

* * *

Remus remembered the conversation with surprising clarity. He wondered why but didn't dwell on it, choosing instead to dwell on what James had said. _You'll know what I mean one day._ Well, James had been right, as usual. Remus knew what he meant. 

Nymphadora Tonks was the fudge in Remus Lupin's life. He wanted her but he was on a diet…a diet of werewolfdom…and as much as he was tempted, he resisted her. And she was on a high shelf called _Younger_ and therefore he was not supposed to have her. But he craved her.

Remus sighed again. He had never had much willpower when it came to chocolate. He knew it was only a matter of time before he caved.


End file.
